return of the black man's hat
by The Champ
*****editors note. the champ so enjoyed wearing the "black man's hat" yesterday, that he refused to take it off. despite our pleas, he even wore it in the shower, which has now made the hat damp and ripe with mildew. the champ is obviously a strange duck. if you happen to see him today, please assist us in snatching this hat off of his head*****
its not the datable man shortage
or racism
or latent sexism
or big gay al reynolds
or daddy issues
or bust it babies
or even jim jones
no, the biggest problem facing young blacks in regards to dating today has everything to do with our ears, or, more specificially, what we chose to do with them.
we are *paging my best charles barkley impression* terrible, terrible, terrible listeners.
terrible
forget std's, the paramount relationship health issue in the young black community is the eerily selective abundance of earwax we all seem to possess. it comes and goes, like hiccups and appalachian hookers.
how else can you explain the selective listening we do, evidenced by the fact that not only do we not listen to each other, when we actually do decide to listen, we make the genius decision to listen to the drooling n*gga in the corner wearing the giant dunce cap!!
for instance:
black guy says "i love black women, but haven't dated one in a while because black women don't seem to be attracted to the type of brotha i am. apparently i'm lacking in swagger or some shit" and it's immediately discounted as bitch-n*gga bs that shouldn't be paid any attention to.
idiot black guy says "black women are too difficult, which is why i can't f*ck with em anymore. seriously, who wants to spend all that damn time taming a broad?" gimme a mami over a sista any day, even sundays." and this becomes the gospel from the book of "how black men really feel"
black girl says "i mean sh*t, if our own men don't love us, who the hell will? how is that supposed to make me feel?" and she's dismissed while told to woman up and stop living in the 17th century
black girl lost says "these lame ass n*ggas aint doing nothing for me. i need a baller with a '09 benz and a d*ck bigger than a toddlers arm. if you don't fit the criteria, kill yourself" and every other black woman in the country is guilty by association.
i dont know. maybe its easier for us to collectively pay attention to bullsh*t because the important truths are too difficult to bear. maybe we've been so conditioned by the music we listen that we've become experts of language compartmentalization. maybe we just need to chew more gum. who knows.
i do know though that honestly, if listening were looks, we'd be camilla parker bowles (who should just probably have her name legally changed to "ugly-ass cpb")…
…and not even the biggest black man's hat can hide that.
L-boogie said it best:
"and even after all the knowledge and the theory/ i add a muthaf*cker so the ignant n*ggas hear me"
who knew she was referring to all of us.
—the champ
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