Monday, September 29, 2008

5 Ways to Self-Produce Unconditional Love and Heal Yourself



 
 

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via Personal Development with The Positivity Blog by Henrik Edberg on 9/28/08

5 Ways to Self-Produce Unconditional Love and Heal Yourself
Image by Daylight. (license).

Note: This is a guest post by Ari Koinuma of OurBestVersion.com.

I often take my kids to play in a sand-pit near our home.  Both my 4-year-old girl and 19-month-old boy love playing in sand.

And sometimes I join them.

It's such a bliss.  I highly recommend it if you haven't done it recently. Simple acts like digging a hole in sand has a very soothing, relaxing effect.

Like going back to a time when I didn't have responsibilities.  No need to perform, please or prove.

Scarcity of Unconditional Love

Childhood bliss is, unfortunately, something many of us don't experience — and even if we do, don't experience it fully enough.  Imagine a baby cuddled in mother's arms. You just exist, and your parents love you.  You may not understand their words, but you get the message from their touches, their smiles, the tone in their voice. They tell you: we are glad you were born.

Unconditional love is a birthright. It's the builder of our foundation, the ground on which the rest of our psyche is built.  But many (or most?) of us are given the gift of compromised foundation.  You may not recognize it as such in your day-to-day struggles.  But consider these common symptoms:

  • Chronic, mysterious and/or incurable health conditions (migraine, skin rashes, perpetual history of getting sick or injured one way or another)
  • Difficulty trusting other people
  • Insecurity/inadequacy
  • Scarcity mentality
  • Dependency (substance, food, approval of peer/parent/boss)

Virtually all big and deep personal problems can be traced back to your foundation: your right to exist.  And unconditional love is the only true cure for the problem.  There are many fixes for any and all of the problems listed above, individually.  But since all the problems stem from your lack of trust in your existence, fixing your foundation will solve or cure all the other symptoms that come from it.

Where Can We Find Unconditional Love?

But unconditional love is an elusive commodity.  If parents weren't available or able to give it to you abundantly, who can?  Religious institutions claim to, though they are full of moral codes you have to fit into. Spouses, maybe, but romantic love isn't the same as unconditional/parental love.  You may believe that a god or a "higher being" can provide it, but on the condition that you have to believe in such thing and have your spiritual antenna developed enough to really experience that love.  It's not available to atheists, is it?

Is there any place in this world that everyone can turn to, a reliable source for our deep crave for unconditional love?

Yes. You.

You can love yourself unconditionally.  Even if you didn't experience enough of it the first time around, you can always do so today.

How? You may ask.  I've never, ever really received it — how can I give myself which I didn't receive?

It's simple.  You re-live your babyhood.  Except this time, you play both roles — the baby and the parent.

5 Practical Ways to Self-Produce Unconditional Love

I put the list more or less in the order of potency.

  1. Visualization. In your mind, imagine your mother (or father or a caregiver) holding the baby you. With a big smile, she holds you gently and tell you over and over, "I'm so glad you were born." You can write it down or verbally describe it, for aiding your visualization and for greater impact.  This is the easiest method, though least potent and impossible to do if you can't remember experiencing unconditional love, ever.
  2. Drawing. You can use any material, but I recommend you at least invest in a sketch book and a decent set of oil pastels. You can draw the above scene literally, or you can draw more abstractly by intuitively splashing, lines, shapes and colors.  If your hurt is coming out, you may draw ugly, painful pictures — allow yourself to do so.  Just keep drawing until you get to a point where you can start drawing what your heart desires.  You'll get there once you spill out enough of your hurt.
  3. Playing. This is where the sand pit comes in — once in my therapy session, my therapist had me play in the sand. Another time, she had me use a pile of dolls and figures to describe how I was feeling.  I remember picking one figure for myself and placing everything else in a big circle facing me, surrounding — to express that I felt like the whole world was against me.  Again, after pouring out your hurt, you'll get to a point where you start expressing your unconditional love for yourself.
  4. Role-playing. You can get a doll (there are ones that specifically designed for therapeutic purposes, though anything will do) and you hold it in your arms, and physically carry out the acts described in #1.  Be sure to call it your name and tell him/her "I'm glad you were born."  Alternatively, if you have a willing spouse or a trusted friend, you can enact this where you really get to be on the receiving end.
  5. Caring a child. I obviously don't recommend becoming a parent for the sole purpose of healing yourself, but this is actually what takes place among parents: a chance to re-do their own life.  We parents all project ourselves to our children to some extent.  Raise your baby and shower him/her with abundant unconditional love.  Alternatively, you can baby sit someone else's baby and do this, if you don't want your own child but want to try out this most powerful method.

As you try out these exercise, you'll experience a powerful sensation of relief and relaxation.  If your scar is deep, you may feel the hurt coming out first — and you need to allow it.  But be sure to incorporate the central message:  you are telling the baby — yourself — that you are glad you were born.  This the most fundamental message of unconditional love.

For most of us, this is not a one-time healing session.  It's an on-going process. When you have a need to heal, life tends to create opportunities for you to do so — by creating situations where you encounter your brokenness. Each time you feel anxious, worried, or scared, take the time to engage in these exercises. Over time, you'll notice that your inner peace becomes less and less affected by life events.

An effective psychotherapist can mentor and guide you in this process, especially if your hurt is deep. But don't underestimate, don't misunderstand that you are healing yourself. Therapists and other healing arts are simply helping you use your own healing power.

My Personal Healing

I have personally used all 5 methods at one time or another in my healing process.  I used to have this paralyzing fear of people getting mad at me, or being blamed for my mistakes.  When such a situation occurred, my head would "blank out" with fear — I was so overwhelmed by sheer terror that I couldn't think.  I had an unnatural drive to be blameless, or at least appear to be infallible.  Whenever I was under stress, my defence mechanism was to cover my tracks so I had no visible failures.

After years of living with my fear, I finally submitted myself to therapy.  My wife actually suffered much more severe depression at one point in her life, and watching her healing process had helped me understand where I was broken.  I enjoyed my therapy sessions.  I had two sketchbooks full of my pastel drawings, and piles of journals.

But my catalyst was when my daughter was born.  At that very moment, I felt my capacity for unconditional love truly awaken.  It has been the most transformational healing experience.  As I poured my heart into taking care of her, and now my toddler son, I observed my own foundation become more solid.

Nowadays, those panic attacks are a thing of past.  Sure, my heart would still pound faster when people get mad at me (which doesn't happen as often as it used to) or if I make a mistake and other people notice it. But nothing out of ordinary. I don't feel threatened, nor live in fear of such situations.

Concluding Thoughts

If you experience abundance of unconditional love, your life will be peaceful.  By that, I don't mean quiet, slow or serene — it's just that you'll spend little time feeling threatened, afraid, and insecure.  There's nothing to prove, no need to argue.  Wars will end and crimes will diminish.  Sounds idealistic?  Yes, it can certainly appear so, until you actually experience this healing and transformation. The security becomes so strong and stable that you just simply lose room in your heart for things like desperation and aggression.

Regardless of your childhood experience or your relationship with your parents, don't begrudge them.  It may be hard to feel grateful for getting hurt, but once you experience the healing, you'll realize what an amazing transformation it is.  People who were uncompromised may not realize what they have.  But you won't take it for granted.  You'll be grateful and will feel excited to tell other hurt souls that healing is possible.

The above 5 methods are the ones that worked for me.  What other methods can produce unconditional love to you?  When have you experienced unconditional love's healing power?  Please share your stories, so that we can tell the world that it is possible to heal and that opportunity is available to everyone.

Ari Koinuma writes on the theme of "Bic Picture of Healing and Growth: from Depression to Self Actualization" at his site, OurBestVersion.com. If you enjoyed this entry, check out his thorough analysis of self-esteem and his personal story of how he used the method described above to heal himself.

If you enjoyed this article, please share it on Stumbleupon or vote for it on Digg. Thanks a lot =)

Further reading:

- How to Improve Your Social Skills
- Stephen King's Top 7 Tips for Becoming a Better Writer
- 16 Practical Tips for Solving Your Problems More Easily


 
 

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How to Make the World a Better Place



 
 

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via PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement by Hunter Nuttall on 9/29/08

trash

Whenever I went camping as a Boy Scout, they would always tell us to "Leave this place better than you found it." Some people would visit the campsite and leave plenty of trash behind, but not us. Not only would we take out everything we brought in, but we'd pick up some of the trash that other people had left. We always left the campsite better than we found it.

Now, what if we took that idea and expanded it? What if every time we came in contact with another person, we decided to leave them better than we found them? Meaning that not only would we not add to their troubles, but we'd make sure that they'd walk away feeling better than they did before. Imagine if everyone resolved to do that! And it's really not hard.

How to not bring trash in

Last year I was reading an article about how much people complain every day, and I decided to do a little experiment. I was going to see how far through the day I could go before I heard someone complain. I didn't even make it to work before it happened! I got on the elevator with a coworker, who started off the day by complaining about four ridiculous things.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't point out things that need to be corrected, or talk about how we can improve things. But I was really surprised when I realized how much we whine about things that we can't change and which don't matter anyway. Why do we need to actively contribute to each other's misery?

When you're talking to someone, ask yourself if you think they really want to hear you complain about traffic, or the weather, or gas prices. If the answer is no, then maybe you don't need to do it. The same goes for telling people how bad they are at something, or how they're going to fail at something, or anything that makes them worse off for having spoken to you. Keep your trash to yourself.

How to take trash out

Besides not putting the other person in a worse mood, we can also do what we can to put them in a better mood. This actually takes less effort than being a jerk, so you might as well do it.

People usually like to talk about themselves. Ask them how they're doing. Ask them how their family is doing, using their names if you know them. Think about something they said they were going to do, and ask how it went. If you just show an interest, they'll do most of the work in responding.

Listen to what they say, and ask follow-up questions. Compliment and congratulate them, and show that you care. This is just being human, and it's not hard at all. But it's amazing how much effect this can have on their mood.

Final thoughts

If everyone left the great outdoors better than they found it, the environmental impact would be huge. Likewise, if everyone left people better than they found them, there's no telling how big the repercussions could be.

Leaving people better than you found them might seem like something you should just do as a decent human being, and that's true. But actually, it benefits you as well. When people realize that they feel better after talking to you (and worse after talking to some other people), they'll want that to continue. They'll also want to reciprocate.

Do enough to put people in a better mood, and you'll soon find that everyone wants to do the same for you. Make people glad to be around you, and it's inevitable that you'll be rewarded.

Hunter Nuttall wants you to stop sucking and live a life of abundance. Visit his site to learn how to improve your life and your income.

Image by isado.

Originally posted at PickTheBrain a weblog dedicated to self improvement and motivation.


 
 

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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Book Review: Personal Development for Smart People



 
 

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via Life Coaches Blog by Alvin Soon on 9/28/08

When the King of Personal Development Blogging Steve Pavlina announced he was writing a book that promised to reveal the core underlying principles behind all personal growth, you can bet I got pretty excited. I've always been curious about the whys behind what we human beings do, and I was curious about what Steve had to say about the differences between people who grow and people who don't.

I enrolled in his offer for a review copy of Personal Development for Smart People, and happily got it (mine was an e-book version – his publishing house got so many requests from overseas they couldn't ship everyone a hard copy). I've sat with it the last two weekends to read, and this is what I got.

The 3 Essential Keys to Personal Growth

Steve boils the whole of personal development down to three essential principles: truth, love and power. Whether you experience personal growth from practicing Zen, NLP or sports, the core reasons why you do come from follwing these three principles.

He further explains that the next three principles that are essential to successful personal growth stem from a combination of the first three. Oneness stems from an awareness of both truth and love, authority is truth plus power and courage is love with power. Practicing the three fundamental principles leads to the seventh core principle: intelligence.

Steve devotes a chapter to explaining each principle, and in each chapter he offers ways to expand your practice of each principle. After explaining the last principle of intelligence in Part 2, Steve explains how to use these principles in Part 2 to achieve growth in your habits, career, money, health, relationships and spirituality.

Personal Growth Principles vs. Techniques

Personal Development for Smart People is different from most personal development books out there in that it focuses on practice and awareness of principles rather than technique. While there are techniques inside to work on practicing these principles, the focus is instead of giving you set things to do, Steve offers a working direction on which you can center your personal growth.

Essentially, you get a bag of tools to diagnose your personal growth. Whether considering a new job, finding a special someone or seeking a new spiritual path, you can always ask yourself if the change will bring you closer to truth, love and power or move you further from it.

It's like the difference between teaching someone a technique in a martial art, versus getting them to build up their physical strength, endurance and agility. A technique only does what it's good for, but a strong body is able to learn even more techniques faster and perform them stronger. Steve is essentially giving you the tools to strengthen your personal development muscles in this book.

Steve Pavlina & the Tree of Life

What Steve found to be the basic first principles of personal development – truth, love and power – resonated with me, but there's a curious twist as to why. As I was reading his book, I felt an odd sense of déjà vu. You see, for some time now, I've said a little affirmation before doing my meditations, and that is for me 'to grow in wisdom, power and love.'

I only vaguely remember where I got this, and I think I most probably picked it up from reading an Aleister Crowley book in my friend, the modern-day magician Eleutherios' library. I chatted with Eleutherios for a while about Steve's book and he confirmed for me where I got my sources, but then he revealed that the basic principles of wisdom, power and love go further back than Crowley as the basic tenants of the Kabbalistic Tree of Life.

I'm not too familiar with the Tree of Life or the Kabbalah, so I won't go too much into it here. I'm just amused by the striking similarity: either Steve has read the same material or the first principles he discovered had already been discovered hundreds of years back! This wouldn't be unusual if these principles rang true – principles are that because they're timeless after all – but Steve might have saved himself some work if he had known :)

(Eleutherios and I concluded that the difference between wisdom and truth is just semantics. Truth leads to wisdom, and wisdom leads to truth.)

In Conclusion

To be honest, I found Personal Development for Smart People a little slim, only about 150 pages in total (I wonder if the printed version feels slim in the hands). To be sure, the material is deceptively simple: three little principles for you to shoot towards may sound simple but it's not always easy.

Therein lies Personal Development for Smart People's strength, it's a simple but not easy book for personal growth and what's inside will give you a framework to work with towards your growth.

I like how the seven principles feel complete. Many personal development books seem to stress one principle over the other; you might get a touchy-feeling book that's all about love but glosses over the fact that if you don't have the power to act, that love is useless. While another might be all about telling the truth and achieving power, but without love as balancing hand you might find yourself losing social skills quick.

It's also a good book to pick up if you're having trouble in one of the areas in your life that Steve mentions in Part 2: your habits, career, money, health, relationships or spirituality. Personally, I think I would find some of these chapters wanting if I hadn't read Steve's website where he goes into more detail there.

To that end, Personal Development for Smart People is a good starter kit and his blog is a great complement for his book. If you're familiar with his work online, the book deepens your understanding of what he says and helps you understand his work with new eyes. But if you don't feel like spending the money to buy the book right now, you can still use the material on his blog to deepen your personal growth.

Personal Development for Smart People doesn't pretend to offer easy techniques to solve your problems in three easy steps, but approaches personal growth from a fundamental ground-up approach. With this book, Steve shows you how to think consciously to achieve the most from personal growth.

Personal Development for Smart People
Order your copy of Personal Development for Smart People from Amazon today.


 
 

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Friday, September 26, 2008

City Lights

City Lights (Plus)

City Lights (Plus)
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE BACK OF THIS ITEM
Name: City Lights (Plus)
Price: $19.80
Inventory Number: PlusCityLightsTealP


Delight him with your own inner glow wearing this festive top. This strapless design has an elastic top band for a secure fit. The bust has a blouson accent with a looped center and is lined and so is not see through. The fabric has a colorful swirled print and a flirty asymmetrical hem. The bottom half of this item is sheer and may be see through in bright light.
Color: Teal, White, Aqua, Blue, Green, Black
Fabric:90%Polyester, 10%Spandex
Length:Approximately 21 At the shortest point, 31 At the longest point inches from underarm to bottom hem
Size 1X is designed to fit sizes 12;13; or 14
(Bust 39-41 in.,Waist 32-35 in.,Approx. weight 150-175)
Size 2X is designed to fit sizes 16;17; or 18
(Bust 42-45 in.,Waist 36-39 in.,Approx. weight 175-205)
Size 3X is designed to fit sizes 20;21; or 22
(Bust 46-49 in.,Waist 40-43 in.,Approx. weight 205-235)
(Weight guidelines are approximations based on an average height of 5 foot 4 inches and are meant only to help you in your selection. Individual sizing will vary based on your unique curves and build)
Available sizes are below

Sunday, September 21, 2008

10 Unbeatable Tips for Overcoming Micro-Addictions



 
 

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via Zen Habits by Jonathan Mead on 9/18/08

The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. - Samuel Johnson

Article by Zen Habits contributor Jonathan Mead.

What are micro-addictions? They are those annoying little habits that prevent you from living the life you truly want. They are small enough to go unchecked, but bothersome enough to get in the way of you living your fullest potential.

They are…

  • The inability to stop checking your email 10 times a day, when you could be making progress toward building your own business.
  • The frustrating habit of seeking approval from other people when you know that you should trust your own instincts.
  • The deceptive habit of using television as convenient entertainment, rather than participating in life.
  • The addiction to having everything figured out in advance. Instead of going for what you want, you commit to thinking about it a little longer; possibly for the rest of your life.

These are the unwanted minutiae in our lives. A couple of these annoying little habits are not enough to make much of a difference. One or two wandering bits of algae in the sea doesn't make too much of an impact. It's when this undesirable flotsam becomes a cloud that our lives are compromised.

So how can we battle these little micro-addictions, these tiny thorns in the side of our personal development?

While by no means am I perfect, these are a few things that have helped me.

  1. Do your best. Realize that your best will be different depending on the time of the day, and how much energy you have. Whatever you're doing, simply do your best. This will help you overcome playing the victim with yourself and seeking back into self pity. Self pity fuels the cycle of repeating what you've always done. If you stay in the realm of self pity, your feeling sorry for yourself will make you feel like you're helpless to change your situation. Always do your best and avoid playing the victim.
  2. Chip away. The hardest part about changing habits is that they're a pattern. We're comfortable doing what we have always been doing. Even though we aren't necessarily happy with what we're doing, it's more comfortable following the same pattern than breaking it. Much of this is because we get intimidated trying to make drastic changes. Overhauling your life will never be accomplished in a single day, so just take it easy. Take it one day, or hour, at a time if you need. Commit to changing your habit for just today.
  3. Build momentum. A lot of people will tell you to thing big, act small. Thinking about the big picture is important, but if we want to building momentum, we need to think small and act big. By thinking small, we're able to mentally digest the changes we want to make. By thinking small and acting big, we can commit for a short period of time and put all our energy into that commitment. Then we can build momentum on mini-milestones.
  4. Change your environment. Typically, the easiest way to create a new habit is to change our environment to reinforce it. If you want to start practicing yoga daily, set your yoga mat out every night, so you see it when you first wake up. Subscribe to yoga related blogs; print yoga photos and put them up around your room; get a screensaver of your favorite yoga poses, etc. The more triggers we have in our environment that enforce our habit, the less work your mind has to do to make you believe it's going to be a habit.
  5. One thing at a time. This isn't something new that you've never read on Zen Habits. But so many people get gung-ho about a total life makeover, they try to do everything at once. They get excited; they want to change their diet, exercise habits, social life, career, values, etc. They put all their energy in as many directions as possible. Then what happens? It fizzles. It's like a chef getting excited about the possibility of a hundred different flavors, so she adds them all. The end result turns into an incomprehensible mess. Focus on mastering one thing at a time. You'll thank yourself later.
  6. Be persistent. Persistence is the enemy of the rut. The only thing between where you are now and where you want to be is really persistence. If you can develop the ability to be highly persistent, you'll succeed where others give up. It's in failing many times and getting back on your feet that you make progress.
  7. Reject perfection. We have a tendency to put things off endlessly, because we're afraid of imperfections. This is pretty silly. If your dream is to become a master pianist, wouldn't you have rather tried and failed than not tried at all?
  8. Do some value work. Staying aligned with my values is something that's helped me stay motivated toward breaking micro-addictions. If you don't know what your values are, simply ask yourself what's most important to you. Take a moment to think about it, but don't think to hard. Go with your gut and whatever comes to mind first. My top values are authenticity, clarity, and balance. When I'm doing things that aren't aligned with my values, I'm unhappy. When I'm closely aligned with my values, though, I feel fulfilled. If you can keep your values in mind at all times, it makes making the right decision much easier.
  9. Be content. We often get so caught up with improving our lives and achieving our goals that we forget to be content. The truth is, if we don't take the time to appreciate things the way they are now, we'll most likely resent personal development. By having gratitude and contentment, you'll reinforce your will to grow. It's a lot more motivating when you know that you will actually appreciate the achievements you have made, rather than only focusing on your shortcomings.
  10. Stop thinking. How much time do you spend thinking about what you really want to do? How much of your life do you spend daydreaming about the life you want to lead, rather than just living it? It's amazing how much fear of failure and fear of the unknown can hold us back. But wouldn't it make more sense to spend all that energy taking physical steps toward your goals, rather than imaginary ones? I think we could all do with a little less thinking and a little more doing.

I think the most important part of attempting to break these little micro-addictions is that we keep in mind where they are coming from in the first place. Usually we're preoccupying ourselves with these dead-end pursuits because we're trying to avoid something. We fear if we really focused on doing what we want, we might actually achieve it. In the end, we fear our own awesome power. That's insanity.

Stop selling yourself short. Embrace your greatness.

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go. - William Feather

This article was written by Zen Habits contributor Jonathan Mead of the Illuminated Mind blog. Click here to subscribe to his blog.


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Ten Ways to Make Someone Smile



 
 

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make-someone-smile

There's nothing better than knowing you've made someone happy – especially if you can do so in some simple, thoughtful way. Here's ten easy ways to make someone smile today: I guarantee you'll be smiling too!

I'll start with the most straightforward and work up to ideas which need a little bit more planning

1. Write a note to say "thank you"

This is such a simple thing to do, but can mean so much. Write a note today to say "thank you" to someone who has helped you or done something for you. It could be to a parent, a child, a colleague, a friend, or even the helpful assistant in your local store.

Bonus points: Post or hand-deliver your note – don't just send it by email.

2. Set a fun screensaver or desktop on their computer

If you're in an office, why not switch a colleague's screensaver for something fun while they're away from their desk? Or at home, sneak into your partner or parent's office to set up a new desktop background for them. Make it something that you know will raise a laugh.

Bonus points: Find a screensaver or desktop picture from their favorite TV show or movie.

3. Buy them their favorite candy

Even once we're adults, candy can still make us smile. If someone's a bit down, buy them their favorite candy – you could give it to them with your "thank you" note. It needn't be anything expensive: a well chosen chocolate bar might be just the thing.

Bonus points: Find out their favorite candy from their childhood, and buy that. (I'm very fond of Kinder Surprise…)

4. Send them an unexpected card

One step up from sending a thank you note is sending a card. A "congratulations" on a job well done or on a big life change (such as graduation) will always raise a smile. You might have to be a bit creative, but there's always some special occasion to offer an excuse to send a card.

Bonus points: Hand-make the card. Don't worry if you're not great at craft; just keep the design simple – if possible, making it personal to the recipient.

5. Do their chores

There's nothing nicer than coming home to find that someone else has cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed! Roll up your sleeves and get stuck in with the chores: this goes down especially well with partners and parents.

Bonus points: Do a chore which you know they hate – cleaning the oven, perhaps, or ironing.

favorite-breakfast

6. Make their favorite breakfast

Breakfast is an often-neglected meal – yet there are so many tasty options. One morning, get up early and prepare breakfast for one of your family or housemates. This could be as simple as nipping out to the bakery for some really nice pastries.

Bonus points: Set the table and get everyone to eat together, or lay out a special tray for the breakfast person!

7. Wrap up a surprise present

Receiving birthday gifts is always fun – but it's more of a surprise to get a present on an ordinary day. Buy a book, DVD, card game or other small gift that you know the recipient will love, and wrap it up for them.

Bonus points: Try making this into a game that you play on a regular basis, perhaps each surprising the other with a small gift once a month.

8. Make a mini photo album

Collect some photographs of friends and family, and put them into a mini photo album. You could either try making your own from card and ribbon, or use an online service such as PhotoBox to upload photographs and get a mini album printed.

Bonus points: Dig out some old childhood photos (you might have to use a scanner if you're making the album online).

9. Give them a day off

If you know someone with children, offer to take the kids off their hands for a day. It can be really hard for busy parents to get a break to rest and recharge – and if you pick some fun things to do, you'll have a great day too! (Theme parks, kid-friendly museums, ice-cream shops and leisure centers are all good options.)

Bonus points: Combine this with theater tickets or another "activity" gift that the recipient can enjoy without the children around.

10. Put together a book of their achievements

This requires quite a bit of planning and preparing, but it could become a treasured gift. Get a nice scrapbook and fill it with photos, newspaper clippings, graduation programs and anything else you can find that relates to special moments and days in the recipient's life.

Bonus points: This makes a great 21st birthday gift, with a page for each year from 1 to 21 (my mum made one for me which included things like my first postcard home from camp).

What are your favorite ideas out of the list above? Do you have any other great tips on simple, yet special, ways to make someone smile?

Written by Ali, a writer and website creator (www.aliventures.com).

Photos courtesy of Anant Rohankar and Joshua Rappeneker.

Originally posted at PickTheBrain a weblog dedicated to self improvement and motivation.


 
 

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Friday, September 12, 2008

7 Common Reasons Relationships Fail



 
 

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via PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement by Tejvan Pettinger on 9/10/08

relationships

Failed relationships are one of the biggest causes of stress and unhappiness in life. Working on successful relationships, whether they are with our children, parents, friends or partners, is one of the most important life skills we can learn. If we cannot maintain lasting relationships, we will always struggle to be happy.

This article looks at seven common reasons why once harmonious relationships break down. If we know why relationships are liable to break down we can avoid the pain involved.

Jealousy

It is ironic that we can easily become jealous of our closest friends. Jealousy often occurs when there is a feeling of separation and competition. We need to learn to be happy at the success of others; it only when we can feel a sense of oneness with others achievements that jealousy will remain far away.

Also, we need to trust our partner -  a suspicious mind is very poisonous. It is better to be trusting rather always suspecting infidelity or disloyalty. Others will be rightly discomforted if we mistrust them. If our partner lets us down, it is not our fault. But, if we suspect, because of our own insecurity, we are bound to create serious problems in our own relationships.

Attachment

There is a big difference between real love and emotional attachment. When we have emotional attachment to someone, we need their attention and presence. When we have excessive attachment to others, we can easily become jealous and demanding. Often attachment occurs out of a sense of insecurity; if this is the case we need to develop self belief and inner confidence, we can't just rely on other people to provide that. Strong relationships need a certain detachment; we need to be able to accept others for what they are, rather than expecting them to give us all their attention.

Domination

Even the closest relationships need to value the individual freedom of others. Problems will inevitably occur when we seek to dominate others. Often this takes the form of expectation. We want our son to become a certain person; we want our wife to live in a certain way.

Often people don't realize how dominating they are. Parents justify to themselves the idea that they 'only want the best for their children' But, actually what they are doing is trying to live through their children. Nobody has the right to tell someone how they must live. If relationships are based on this expectation and domination, there will inevitably be conflict at some stage. The strongest relationships are based on mutual understanding and remain free of expectation.

Selfishness

Selfishness is the root of all relationship problems. When we are selfish we think of ourselves first and foremost. We ignore the needs of others and become ego centric. Ego centric people are never easy to live with; they tend to be a drain on relationships. When we are selfish we want the praise, support and backing of others; but, we are not willing to give anything in return.

True love is selfless, it is given without expectation of receiving anything in return. If we love our self the most, we will always struggle with relationships. Take time to listen to others rather than dominating the conversation; be giving rather than being permanently needy.

No Time

We have to spend time on what we value. If we always  work late, it shows where our priorities lie. If we spend no time with our partner then they will begin to feel resentful / unloved. We can always make time for things we really value; make sure your relationships don't suffer because you have given your life away to your boss. Also, make sure you create time when your partner is the focus of attention; do things that they enjoy doing, and don't just drag them along to your office parties.

Too Much Time

It does depends on the personality of the people involved; but some people, especially introverts, need time to themselves. If we are always with other people, the relationship can become claustrophobic. We need time to ourselves; strong relationships should be able to deal with periods of separation. This allows individual expression and individual growth.

Picking Faults

Whoever we spend time with will undoubtedly have faults. Successful relationships require a certain tolerance of others' weaknesses. If we keep picking up on the faults of over people, expecting them to change, we create permanent tension. For example, your partner or friend may not share your judgement that they are faults. This does not mean we have to ignore when others do wrong things.

A strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we don't become obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things that they have been doing. Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesn't help relationships to do this. If you become too critical it will cause long term problems.

Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include Changing Yourself by Accepting Yourself.

Image by Slatki

Originally posted at PickTheBrain a weblog dedicated to self improvement and motivation.


 
 

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